Pat pending

Goodbye Mom

2006-12-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day. To everyone who attended either the graveside service, memorial, or both, my deepest gratitude is yours. I was profoundly moved by the sight of my closest friends and family's presence as well as those I didn't know who knew my mom and called her friend. It was an amazing day of celebration and joy. Yes it was bittersweet, but I was held up by so much love and faith that it was hard to cry through my smiles. Pastor Edsel White was everything I could have hoped for. Purple sash included. What a nice touch. I cannot thank him and the staff of First United Methodist Church enough. They were exemplary in their preparation and excecution of yesterday's service. Duane, thank you for your guitar, your voice, your organization and your friendship. You meant so much to my mom and you and Julie, Barb Williams, and the rest of Friends of the Carpenter mean the world to Jenny and I. Your strength and grace is something that I strive for in my daily life. Beautiful human beings doing beautiful work in the name of God. What more can I say, but thank you and I consider you part of the family. There will be more posts to follow. I have a lot to reflect on and look forward to. God bless you all for being a part of my mom's life and giving her the love she gave so effortlessly to everyone.

May your holidays be merry and your new year be prosperous. My love to you all.

Pat

The sky will be a bit brighter tonight

2006-12-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

Mom's star will be joining the constellations this evening. She passed away this morning at 5:15 or so. She went peacefully and though a storm kept me from being by her side, I know she would not have wished for me to witness that. She no longer exists in the physical realm, but Nora Roberts, her unconditionally loving heart, her many quirks, and her wonderful personality will live on in the memories of her friends and family.

Who I am, how I live my life, how I treat others...it is all a product of a woman who stared her adversities down and sacrificed without hesitation to ensure that I had what I needed, what I wanted, but most importantly she loved me unconditionally and was an amazing friend in addition to being an angel of a mother.

Funeral details will be worked out in the next couple days and I will most definitely be posting in the near future.

If you are reading this, you are most likely wondering how I am. I am content in knowing that mom's suffering has ceased and that her anxiety, pain, and confusion have ended. I'd like to think that she is warm with the love of those she is joining in Heaven and all of the thoughts and love being sent to her by those she left behind far too soon on Earth. I feel an inexplicable loss in my life and the hole in my heart is too much to comprehend right now. Mom raised me with strength and grace and that is how I will attempt to deal with her loss. She wouldn't want it any other way.

I love you mom. I told you I would be fine and not to worry about me. I am not fine, but as days melt into weeks, weeks become years, I will get closer to fine. My life is lonelier without her in it, but I am surrounded with the love of my friends and family and I consider myself a very lucky man. Lucky for the last 35 years of receiving the strongest love and support that a mom could ever give to a child. Lucky for the next who knows how many years of life surrounded by the love and support that I feel this very minute from those who share my life with me.

To paraphrase a song I have been obsessively listening to the past month,
"Though you are gone, believe me, your memory will carry on."

pat

Pit stop

2006-12-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

I am at home in between time at mom's adult care house. The hospice nurse on Monday said hours to days is what she has left and days is being generous. Jenny, her amazing aunt (my aunt too) Sharon and I stayed with mom last night. It was a sleepless night for the most part and mom spent a majority of it crying out in pain (so we thought). We would ask her if she hurt and she would calmly reply, "No". She is vocalizing her breathing and whatever internal events that are transpiring. She has long periods of nonsensical noise making, interrupted every so often with "daddy", "mom", and other interesting phrases such as "please" and "God help me". It is simultaneously heart-wrenching and fascinating to watch the dying process.

Landon...you are the man. Thank you for being your brilliant and inspiring self during this.

Sharon (both of you)...you are both like sisters to mom and without a doubt family to me. I love you both and am so very comforted to have you by my side throughout this.

My wife...my love...my everything. Jenny is my angel right now and I am the luckiest man on the planet to call her my better half. She truly is. I love you doll.

Mike and Judy...Family of mine, I love you so and will spend the rest of our shared time on this planet showing you how much your support means to me.

Tommy...my bruzn...I know you got my back and believe me, I will be calling on you soon.

Aunt Blanche and Grandma...you are both so far away, but always in my heart. I love you both and will be in touch soon.

Duane, Julie, Barb, Bill, and all of the people at Friends of the Carpenter...your support, love, and uplifting ways have made this painful journey a little more bearable. Thank you for making both my life now and mom's life these past few years so much better by being in it.

Mom is in the home stretch now and I need to stop punching away at the keyboard and get myself back over there. She is surrounded by love and for the most part is laying in bed with the strongest sense of peacefulness I have ever seen her have. That alone comforts me more than anything.

Pat

4000 words

2006-12-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

I can't really produce words that could do justice to the pain I feel inside sitting next to my mom as she lay dying. I can't begin to express how proud I am of her strength and courage she's displayed throughout her journey with cancer. These pictures speak volumes to her condition as she winds down her time in the physical world. Jenny and Mike were both there by her side (and mine) today as we spent the afternoon with her. I can't say how much their presence aids me in my own personal battle with witnessing mom disappear from my immediate life. My cousin Tommy (seen in the last picture above) showed up to spend some time with his aunt. He is more like a brother than a cousin and having him there today was a blessing.

Just like the past week, today mom teetered between this world and another one. At any given moment she is completely lucid and cracking a beautiful smile, other times she is completely out of it with eyes rolling around in her head talking almost gibberish (though I am sure it means something to her).

I have witnessed Maureen, her hospice nurse, comfort her and tell her that she is going to be safe in the arms of her Lord. I have had the pleasure of seeing mom smile as big as she ever has. We have exchanged many "I love yous" and shared many hugs and kisses. It has been the hardest week of my life - I can't imagine how it feels for mom. Time is very limited and Jenmy and I will be back there tomorrow, spending what little time is left with a woman we both love very much.

Pat

13 years ago

2006-11-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

I lost my father (on December 1st) to leukemia. It was during the week after that my dear friend, then and now, Chris Landon gave me a mixtape that had songs he felt embodied the mass of emotions that I was experiencing. For the purpose of my own catharsis, I am listing two of the songs and their lyrics here. These were the songs that helped me purge the emotions anchored in the core of my heart as my dad passed away and my mom clung to life what seems an eternity ago. These were the songs that helped me breathe when I felt as if my lungs had been drained. Thank you Chris. Of all the gifts you have given me, that single mixtape stands above them all. Sad to say that winter and change are both upon me again, but these songs will be close by.

Winter by Tori Amos

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear

Change by Blind Melon

I don't feel the suns comin' out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don't
think I'll ever see the sun from here.

And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and say, and they'll say,
Hey look at him! I'll never live that way.
But that's okay
they're just afraid to change.

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways will work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.
and then they'll paint it

And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and they'll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.

----------------------------

Mom is steadily deteriorating. Devastating to watch, even more painful to think about when I am not there. I pray for her peace for that is the best she could receive now.

Pat

A somber Thanksgiving is upon us

2006-11-21T07:56:00.000-08:00

Mom is still going. I am going to stop short of saying strong, but she is still going. Hospice has been fantastic. It has been a continual process of updating mom's pain meds so that she is in as little pain as possible. There has been a noticeable increase in her pain the past couple of weeks and it feels overall like the cancer train is rolling down the tracks at a high speed. Everyday that we spend with her is a gift. We are trying to make some good memories with what time we have left.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is going to be the last one mom has. To see that, to type that...it is so surreal. But I know the reality and fully comprehend the weight of the words on the screen. It is happening as I think about it. Nothing can stop this merciless thing. A definite decline in Mom's overall state has been occurring for the last 5 days. She is increasingly lethargic, having more and more pain that is not being minimized by an increase in her pain meds, and she is generally not as coherent as she was even a week ago.

Jen and I had planned to take mom to Mike and Judy's (the in-laws/friends) for Thanksgiving dinner, but given Mom's current state, we just don't see it as an option like it was a week ago. She is incredibly weak, increasingly frail, and it would be far too taxing on what she does have left to take her out of her abode. So Thanksgiving will be spent partially with her, just spending time and hoping to see her smile and then Jen and I will embark to Mike and Judy's for a traditional dinner sans mom. This is the fist Thanksgiving that I will not have the actual dinner with her. It blows my mind. At least we will have part of Thanksgiving together. That is what truly matters.

Enough depressing ramblings. I wish everyone of you a wonderful holiday weekend. May you be with those you love and those who love you. I will be giving special thanks tomorrow for having the opportunity to spend one last Thanksgiving with mom.

---------------------
Landon: Thank you. You know what you are to me, what you have always been, and right now you are above and beyond what I could ever ask for in a friend. I wish you and your family a wonderful Turkey Day and please tell Jen to have the baby already.

Sharon: Wow. You are such an amazing friend to mom and myself. I love you and consider you family. Your dedication to this painful situation is inspiring. Thank you doesn't begin to express my gratitude. I hope you and Wally and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Again, all my gratitude.

Veronique and Phillipe: I can't even tell you how much I appreciate your continual posts. Meeting you both was a pleasure and I hope that we all reconnect in the near future. Your concern and kind words warm my heart and make me smile. You are beautiful people. PS to you both - Mike's computer is not working right now so if you don't see a blog for awhile don't panic. Not sure how long before it is up and running again. Happy Thanksgiving to you both.

I could go on and on talking about everyone that I know is reading this, but I just don't have the energy. You all mean so much to me. I wish I had the time to keep in better contact with everyone, but we all know that life tends to make that rather difficult at times.

The next few weeks are going to change my life in an immeasurable way. I certainly wish I had the ability to just close my eyes and let the days pass without being affected. That is wishful thinking. What is coming my way soon is nothing short of devastating and no matter how strong I think I can be, I know that I am going to be steamrolled by the inevitable. What will be instrumental in getting me through this imminent hell is knowing that I have the best friends a man could ask for.

Please continue to pray for mom(I am not the most religious person as those who know me can attest, but I do believe in the power and strength of spirituality), and keep her in your thoughts. Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Pat

A picture is worth...

2006-11-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

you know the rest. I will type up an entry soon. This has been an emotional past week. Hearing her on the phone is very saddening. She is staring death in the face and it is taking its toll on her. Jenny, Mike, Judy and I went over this past Saturday to see mom and she had a great time. My aunt and cousin also were over for a bit. All the visiting wore mom out pretty quickly, but she was in good spirits. Even though she has significantly aged these past 6 months, she still has a sparkle in her eyes (when they are open...not here) and a great smile. I will talk to you again soon.

Pat

The next steps

2006-10-31T09:02:00.000-08:00

A month or two. That is what Dr. Smith said when I asked him "No best case scenario, just realistically, how long does mom have to live?" It appears that Thanksgiving is the most realistic goal that we can make for her longevity right now. While this news didn't come as a shock, it certainly wasn't what we had hoped to hear. Mom is staring death in the eye right now and there are days where it is driving her to tears and others where she can't imagine going on if the pain she is in (arms and legs mostly) continues to be as strong as it has been the last week.

Today we meet with hospice and any issues regarding pain are going to be addressed. Hospice has the power to experiment with different pain medication combos to make sure that mom's last weeks are as pain-free and comfortable as possible. That is all I am personally hoping and praying for right now. That she can ascend from this big rock with a minimum of pain and suffering. She is scared, she is hurting, but she is strong and despite the pain she is in, she continues to talk about how she will continue to fight until the end. I have talked with her in depth and told her that she doesn't have to fight for my sake or anyone else's. She just needs to focus on enjoying her remaining tme as much as she can. I am with her as much as I can be with school and Jenny's dad's issues also demanding my time. We are making every minute count and I am very comfortable in the knowledge that mom is in a good home with great care and will hopefully be experiencing a reduction in her pain levels soon.

Jenny's dad, Mike, is spending his fifth consecutive day at OHSU. His defribilator went off five times Sat. morning and he has been undergoing a series of tests to determine why his heart is producing the rhythms that it is and what the next steps are in terms of getting him some healing for his declining ticker. Jenny and I are splitting our time between both of our sick parents. Life is insane right now. One of the things that keeps us going is knowing that we are being thought of by some very wonderful people. We both thank you for your words and thoughts and want you all to know that we appreciate them more than we can express.

Pat

What a week

2006-10-29T08:47:00.000-08:00

This has been a very different week than those that have preceded it. Up to now, it was understood that mom has cancer, that she inevitably would die from it, and that she was fighting with everything she had to beat it. This past week saw mom getting settled in at her new residence, River Ridge Adult Family Care. Unfortunately she didn't have much of a chance to get comfortable there before everything came crashing down.

After finding out that the cancer was in her brain, mom had a 180 degree turn in her health. She is having great difficulty in processing thoughts into words. She is aware of what is going on, by no means is she not cognizant of her surroundings. She is incredibly frustrated by her inability to remember things that happened in the short term and by the aforementioned difficulty in communicating.

I spent a good part of yesterday with her and she relied on a wheelchair to get around. She is in so much pain in her shoulders, arms, and legs from the cancer that walking is too much of a chore. She also has fallen twice this week. Once Thursday evening and once Friday morning. That has contributed to her overall pain as well. No bones were broken, but she is definitely one hurting woman right now.

It feels very much like we were driving down the road at a leisurely pace, fully aware of the destination, but making pit stops along the way to have chemo treatments, to have lunches, and to feel like progress was being made. This past week it is as if someone has cut the brakes and placed a brick on the gas pedal. The entire situation has a much darker, imminent feel than before. These past 4 months, I held on to my optimism while embracing the reality of the situation. It felt like things were going in a direction that the doctor was happy with and it felt like mom would at least be around to meet her goal of making it to my birthday (first part of January). Personally, it doesn't feel like that goal is attainable based on what I saw yesterday. Only time will tell. We have an appointment with her doctor on Monday to talk about a lot of different things, the findings from her most recent ct scan among them.

Please continue to pray for mom as well as my father in law, Mike. Jenny and I got a call yesterday around 8 AM from Judy (the love of Mike's life) informing us that Mike's defibrilator had gone off somewhere between 4 and 6 times. This is akin to when you see someone on TV get the paddles placed on their chest in order to zap them back to life. With Mike, it was from the inside out. It literally raised his body inches off the bed. He will be at OHSU until at least Monday where his cardiac team will be re-doing an ablation that was done just a few weeks ago. I appreciate everyone who has been keeping my mom and I in your thoughts and prayers. If you could make some room for Jenny and her father as well as Judy and her father (who is in very poor health right now as well) we all would appreciate it.

Thank you,
Pat

The next steps

2006-10-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Jenny and I accompanied my mom to her appointment with a radiation doctor. We were told by her that mom has about a dozen tumors in her brain that are just under a centimeter in diameter as well as some much smaller ones. Those tumors are the reason why mom's balance and memory have both been off (resulting in her having a little difficulty walking and much more talking). Hard news to hear, but (as it is good to remember in these times) it could always be worse. Because the tumors are smaller, radiation will most likely be effective. Not effective in prolonging her life, but in maintaining a quality of life that doesn't involve imbalance and the inability to communicate without frustration.

She starts radiation today (in less than an hour actually) and will go in for what is a ten minute radiation session for the next 10 days (not counting weekends). We all went out for a burger after the somberness that was her appointment. It was a refreshing change. We are going to do as much as we can with her in whatever time we have left. The doctors at the cancer center said yesterday that making it through the holidays is a realistic goal. I, personally am taking it one holiday at a time, and am not counting Halloween or Veteran's Day.

Mom is taking all of this the best she can, but the totality of yesterday's findings have done their part to stifle her determination and crush her spirit. At least temporarily. She is happy in her new home. She is happy to have time with Jenny and I and her friends. She is still eating, still maintaining a weight that far exceeds what she had most of her life, and is still pressing on into a scary unknown. The reality of the situation is replacing the idealistic optimism that she had for beating the cancer and living "another 20 years". She is still optimistic though. Her timeline of goals has just shrank considerably. I can say for my part that I have never been more anxious for the holidays to arrive.

Mom has a CT Scan on Thursday to see how the cancer is behaving in the rest of the body and we will find out those results the following Monday when we meet with the doctor. If anyone would like to send cards or letters, Mom's address is
2106 SE 130th Ave, Vancouver, WA 98683.
Please write c/o Nora Roberts on the envelope as she has five other people living in the house with her.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement. Now more than ever they are needed and appreciated.

Pat

Sigh.

2006-10-23T14:27:00.000-07:00

I am not going to go into the details that led us to today, but my mom had a brain scan last Thursday after telling the doctor that she had burning spots on her skull that would migrate around. Sometimes it was constant pain, other times it would subside for a bit. We both found out preliminary results today and the scan shows abnormalities. What does that mean? We will find out the specifics tomorrow when we meet with a radiation doctor. What it means to her and to me as well is that the cancer has reached the brain. I have no idea how much time mom has left before she is consumed by her cancer nor can I fathom that number even if it was given to me this moment. She is devastated, but not giving up. I told her this is another battle to fight and fight she must as long as she has the desire to do so. I am not sure right now how much desire she has, but she has shown tremendous courage thus far and I don't forsee her giving up yet. It is a harsh reality that I believed to be inevitable. She was a little more optimistic than I and is taking this as a stunning blow. I can't say I blame her. I will post the specifics tomorrow after we meet with another doctor. It appears that radiation is an option, but I don't want to jump the gun on that quite yet. More tomorrow.

Pat

The latest

2006-10-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week mom and I met with Dr. Smith to find out how her cancer is behaving. It turns out that she does have cancer in the bone, but it has been there all along. She has small-cell cancer which is aggressive and spreads rapidly throughout the body. We have known this, but the focus has been on her organs - liver, lungs, lymph nodes - not the bone.

Mom had some pain from what she thought was pulled muscles in her back a couple months ago which led up to her having a spinal MRI and PET scan. She was very afraid, and rightfully so, that the cancer was in the bone (and in her mind that signals the final stages of her battle). Well, as I said before, cancer is in the bone but it doesn't appear to be rapidly multiplying and spreading. Her cancer is throughout her body, but she is still feeling very good. The doctor said that how she feels is a better indicator about her cancer than anything a scan can show.

While the idea that cancer is in the bone is scary, this battle is a one day at a time deal and right now, mom is feeling good. She has energy, a good spirit, and the willingess to continue fighting. Mom will be having CT scans every 3-4 weeks to track the cancer and I will continue to update as necessary. School has been taking most of my time and I apologize for not getting this up earlier, but time has been getting away from me lately. I hope everyone is doing well and I look forward to hearing from you.

Pat

Answers and Questions

2006-09-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Mom and I met with Dr. Smith today to learn the effectiveness of the chemo on her cancer. It appears that where the first two rounds decreased the physical presence of the cancerous masses by about half of their original numbers, the last two rounds only affected the cancer marginally. It is akin to looking at a graph where the line moves steeply down hill for the first two rounds and then levels off for the last two.

Dr. Smith said that it appears the cancer in the lymph nodes, lung, and liver have decreased to the amount he normally sees in patients. He noticed from the last CT scan that there were abnormalities in the spinal area (in the bone itself) that he hadn't seen before. This is due to one of two scenarios. Either the cancer was already in the bone, but not visible to CT scans early on, and he is seeing the cancerous lesions or the cancer is growing in the bone. He said that cancer in the bone is no worse than cancer in the liver or lung. Basically, cancer anywhere is not good. There's a no-brainer for you. If cancer is indeed in the bone and growing, radiation can be used to kill it and provide comfort from the pain that would be affecting mom at that time.

Mom has had pain in her back for the last few weeks, but has attributed it to her irritating it when she incorrectly lifted a heavy box a month or so ago. It is hard to know what is going on in the bone so the doctor ordered a Pet Scan and a spinal MRI. This will let him know precisely what is going on so that he can choose the best strategy with which to fight it. Hopefully, it is just the scarred remnants from the cancer that was already present. That would be the best case scenario. The PET Scan is a full body scan that will reveal the locations mom's cancer. The MRI will pinpoint precisely where in the bone structure the cancer is if it is there at all.

Those two tests will be performed in the near future. As I know more exact dates I will post that. Definitely not the best news we could have hoped for, but at the same time it could be far worse. At least her body accepted the chemo and was able to utilize it effectively. This is not always the case with cancer patients.

Mom and I went out to lunch and drove around town for a bit. Time well spent. Beautiful weather as well. She is handling things well (as well as can be expected) and we are taking things one day at a time. Today, for the most part, was a good one.

Pat

The future

2006-09-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

Hello again. It has been awhile since the last post but in this case, no news is good news. Mom has been feeling well (aside from aforementioned back pain, but that is improving too). She had a CT scan last Thursday and will get the results this Wed. We will learn what success the chemo has had on the cancer and we will know more about what the future holds...at least to some extent. If the chemo has decreased (not eliminated) the cancer to a level acceptable for the doctor, mom will just go about living her life and get regular CT scans every month or two to track the cancer's status. If the chemo's effectiveness isn't up to the doctor's standards, then she may go back to SWMC for two more treatments. I will know more on Wed. and will pass along whatever I find out. Until then, have a great week everyone. Back to school for me tomorrow.

Pat

Short and sweet

2006-09-06T17:55:00.000-07:00

That was how the visit to the doctor's office was today. He said all is going as planned and scheduled round 4 (and most likely the last) of chemo for next week starting on Monday September 11. She will have a CT Scan about a week after the chemo ends (which will be Thursday of next week if all goes well). It is then that we will know how successful the full treatment of chemotherapy has been. All we can do is hope that all goes well this next week. One day, one round at a time.

I spent some time with her today after the appointment. We went out to lunch, drove aimlessly around town, just goofed off in general. It was nice. I am so thankful that she has the energy and desire to be out and about and enjoying life. I am cherishing any time that we have together where she is feeling, ironically enough, "better than she has in years." It is very strange that we are experiencing some of our best times together in the past five years during a period when one would expect her to be at her lowest levels of energy and spirit. Whatever it is that is getting her through this with a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye, I will take it.

I would like to throw a shoutout to Paul and Paula. It was great to see you over the holiday weekend. Sorry it wasn't for a longer duration. Jenny and I hope you enjoyed your time here.

Hope everyone's Labor Day weekend was a great one. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers along this journey.

Pat

Cancer schmancer

2006-08-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

Mom left SWMC today as we hoped she would. She went to the cancer center to get shots of aranesp (to boost her red blood cell count) and neulasta (to boost her white blood cell count) and managed to find a few new hats to cover her dome with as well.

She did very well this time. The day after the second round of chemo was completed, mom felt as if she was going to die (her words). This time she feels amazingly well. Were it not for the beret she was concealing her balding scalp with, one would never guess that she was battling cancer. Her weight today is 112, which means she only lost 3 pounds this time compared to the 10 that she had lost during each previous chemotherapy session. Considering she doesn't have much weight on her to spare, this is a positive (and surprising) accomplishment. She exudes life and is happy to be back home with her new friends that she has made.

She even felt good enough at the hospital to let me take a picture of her for the blog. That itself is amazing. She is not big on having her photo snapped (nor am I). So here she is in all her glory. She looks fabulous for all that she has been through. I can't express how happy I am that the past four days have been so "easy" for her. We return to the doctor's office on Sept. 6 and at that time we will know when she is going in for round 4.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

Pat

A brighter light is shining

2006-08-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

Mom has not had any of the nausea that she experienced with her chemo last time. This is due to her doctor prescribing a more aggressive regimen of anti-nausea medicines. Yesterday her weight was at 112 which is impressive for her. She has been dealing with some pulled muscles or tendons or something of that nature in her lower back. It is a result of her trying to lift a box prior to going into the hospital for the chemo. One of her doctors told her that chemo weakens the body, but the brain still thinks it can do what it is used to. A couple of lidocaine patches later and the pain is subsiding.

I talked to mom this morning and she said that she's quite possibly going home today. I am going to head over in a bit with the hopes that I have the privilege of taking her back to her home and a significantly less clinical environment.

I would like to thank Mary Lookingbill, a chaplin who has provided emotional comfort for my mom during these trying times for her. I also would like to express how happy I was to meet one of her pastors, Eugene Walters, yesterday. It is always a great experience to meet the people who are part of the team that cares for my mom. I have been to the hospital enough with her to know most of the nurses by name, but the spiritual piece of this puzzle has been instrumental in keeping my mom's state of emotional health relatively stable. As I told Mary yesterday, it is an invaluable service that they provide and I am immensely grateful for it.

Pat

Good News!!!

2006-08-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Dr. Smith gave us the news we were hoping to hear yesterday. He said that the cancer in the lymph nodes, lung, and liver had all decreased by approximately 50% of their initial mass. We were both pleasantly surprised. He also told us that everything is going as he had hoped it would and she is where he would like her to be at this point in the big picture.

I asked if the liver's function was compromised by the cancer in it or the chemotherapy treatments and Dr. Smith said that the liver would not be negatively impacted by those factors. I also found out that if the chemo was successful in suppressing the cancer, but the cancer came back down the road, more chemotherapy was a possibility. What little knowledge I had of cancer and chemo in the past led me to conclude that it wasn't typically an option if the cancer came back (and it will come back as it is in her blood stream and there is no way of sending it in to remission). Dr. Smith said that if the patient is healthy enough when the cancer comes back, using a different strain of chemo in treatment is an option. I was glad to have that clarified.

So here we are. All is going as well as we can hope and we are taking everything one day at a time, hoping for good news while preparing for the worst. Mom is going back in on Monday, Aug. 21 at 8 AM for round 3 of chemo at SW WA Med Center. Though the last wave of chemo really threw her for a loop physically and emotionally, we are hopeful that this one will be easier on her body and spirit. She has been eating better and more often than she has in decades. Keeping her weight up is instrumental in all of this as the chemo just burns it right off. Another positive sign is that she didn't have to get a blood transfusion after the last chemo treatment. I was thinking that would be a regular occurrence, but her blood cell counts are all pretty good.

Mom has also been getting physical therapy and her leg muscles (which had experienced some atrophy from her fibromyalgia) are getting stronger. She is moving around for the most part without assistance from a walker, whereas before she looked ready for a wheelchair. Kudos to her for doing her daily exercises and having the internal strength to believe that she can get stronger. Mom wanted me to pass along her appreciation to everyone for their love, prayers, and well wishes. We both believe the collective love she has been receiving from everyone is essential in her fight to survive. There aren't words enough to do justice to how incredible the love and support feels. It is an amazing experience to have so many pulling for someone I love so much. Keep it coming. We can use all you can give. Thank you again.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Pat

Hanging with Mom

2006-08-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

She is here as I type this as is Jenny (and now my) Aunt Sharon. This is the first time she has been able to get over here to see our humble little on campus apartment. Mike (Jenn's dad for those who don't know) and I went and picked mom up this morning, then went to Portland International Aiport and picked up Mike's father who was in town for the day. Mom, Mike, Grandpa, Jenny and myself all went to La Terazza for lunch. Good times for sure. We took some pics and Mike dropped Jenny, mom, and myself off at home before spending a few hours with his dad. Aunt Sharon came over shortly after we got home and spent the afternoon with Mom, Jenny and myself. Jenny whipped up a tasty salmon dinner and we enjoyed some quality time together. Mom had a great day and was able to see this blog for the first time. A great day. Here she is with our cat Gatsby.

Here is a pic of (L to R) mom, me, Jen, Grandpa, and Mike in front of our apartment on PSU campus.
We had a great time. Mom wants to say something since she is here and can contribute to this herself.
--------------------------------------------
I just want to thank all of you for your love, support, prayers, and kindess that you have given me during this trying time of my life. I am hoping to hear some positive results from the CT scan that I have on Friday. I am doing my best to approach this whole cancer thing with a positive attitude. Being in all your thoughts and prayers does a lot to help me with that. Thank you so very much and I greatly appreciate your continuing support. I feel that with all of your support and my positive attitude that beating this cancer is a possibility. Thank you and stay tuned for the results next week from the CT.

with deepest gratitude,
Love,
Nora
------------------------------------------

Cool that she could put her own personal touch in this. I will update y'all soon.

pat

No news is good news

2006-08-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

Or at least it feels that way right now. This time in between chemo treatments has been very good for mom. She has been out and about with her friends as well as relaxing with her views, good meals, and fellow housemates. There isn't much to report but I just wanted to thank everyone for the love and support you have showered us with.

To Jim and Nicole I say thank you for your company last Friday. It was really nice to get away from the "real world" for a bit and just enjoy some good food and conversation. Jenny and I had a great time. We look forward to seeing you both soon.

Again, mom has a CT scan on the 11th of Aug and results on the 16th so with those events will come more info. Until then, mom is going to continue to soak up these days where she has energy and feels, ironically, better than she has in a long time.

Talk to you soon,

Pat

Enjoying the view

2006-07-27T09:42:00.001-07:00

After the valley that was last week's post-chemo depression and decimation, it is with great pleasure that I say both my mom and I are enjoying the view from on top of one of the peaks of this trek.

The past few days have been good ones for her. She is eating, putting on weight (8 pounds in the last week), and feeling stronger. As I talk to her on the phone I almost forget that she is going through all of this. Her sense of humor is present. Her voice and spirit are both strong. I know that this is temporary and that she will most likely experience more lows after she goes through more chemo, but one day at a time for right now is how we're taking it.

Mom will be having a CT scan on Aug 11 and get the results on Aug 16. Hopefully this means that she will have a couple more weeks of feeling as good as she does now. I want nothing more than for her quality of life in between chemo treatments to be as high as possible. She is enjoying the views that her new residence affords her. She is finding a sense of peace and tranquility watching sailboats go up and down the Columbia River as well as the planes taking off from the Portland Airport. She is eating well (and often - at least for her) and watching some summer-time TV. So You Think You Can Dance is a favorite of hers right now. I 've managed to get her watching Rock Star and rooting for Portland's own Storm Large.

I would like to say hello to Veronique, a friend of Judy's who has been incredibly supportive of her and Mike as they continue on the journey to the Wizard for a new heart. Though she has never met Jenny, mom, or myself, she is spreading her love and support to us as well. Thank you so much Veronique. Judy has told us many wonderful things about you and your husband and we look forward to meeting you both someday.

Pat

2 down, 2 to go

2006-07-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

Round 2 came and went but not before it took an exponential toll on mom's health. Dr. Smith had said the first round of chemo is typically the worst. This was most definitely not the case this time.

Mom was incredibly nauseous all last week as her body took the beating of its life. Luckily, Dr. Smith ordered for the chemo to be administered in the hospital. A lot of cancer patients will get chemo at an outpatient center where they stay for a matter of hours. Dr. Smith has deemed mom too weak to be a candidate for that method, opting for a cautious approach to her treatment. Both her and I are very thankful for this. In the hospital, she is quick to receive anti-nausea medication when necessary and this alone eases her recovery.

Unfortunately for her, this round of chemo decimated her strength, her energy, and for a few days, her spirit. I can only imagine what must have been going through her head as she faced a level of hell she had never before felt. Her weight dropped 10 pounds, back down to 100, where it was at the end of the first round of treatments.

That seems to be the pattern. Chemo leads to weight loss, recovery puts the pounds back on, and then chemo zaps them away again. I consider it to be training for her own personal marathon. Get the body to an acceptable state of relative wellness and let 'er rip again. This whole experience has been an emotional rollercoaster for her, but she now knows the physical ups and downs as well. It is my hope she can prepare herself mentally for another round like the last and hold on to the courage that has got her this far.

She will have plenty of time to recuperate at the Adult Foster Home that she is in. Jenny and I visited her there this weekend. She was doing well in her air-conditioned abode. She is gaining her strength back little by little. Her hair really came out this time so Jenny and I brought her a couple scarves. She still has enough up top for a mohawk, but despite my best efforts, she wasn't keen on that 'do. Her spirits are improving and hopefully the next few days will see some weight come back as well.

It sounds like Dr. Smith wants a CT scan within the next two weeks. We are looking forward to knowing what is going on in her war on cancer. Mom knows that I do this blog and told me to send her love to all of you. She is so thankful for the support and the prayers. We all are. Keep 'em coming.

Pat

Mom update and shoutouts

2006-07-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

Mom is back at SWMC for round 2 of chemo. Her doctor came in yesterday and told us all is going as planned. The chemo is shrinking the cancer and after this round is done she will go in for a CT scan which will tell us more definitively how the chemo is affecting the cancer. Mom was significantly more apprehensive yesterday than she was previously when going to the hospital for chemo. Perhaps the shock of everything has worn off. I know her main fear is getting ill from the chemo, but she appreciates that being in the hospital is the best place for her right now (aside from the food of course).

Mom is losing her hair now (took her a while, but it is finally falling out). Strange to think that my mom is going to be bald soon, but that comes with the territory. It's very surreal to watch all of this happen before my eyes. It is one thing to hear others' accounts of similar situations or even to read about it. It is a completely foreign world for me to be experiencing it first hand. To say it is emotionally draining would be an understatement, but thankfully Mom is handling everything very well and as much as she says I give her the strength to fight it, I have to say she gives me strength to deal with my end of it.

The hospital room... a setting too familiar to too many of those I love. Mike has seen his share of them this year as has my mom. Judy (Mike's soulmate for those of you who aren't familiar with the name) is not only watching the one she loves navigate the storm of Congestive Heart Failure, but also dealing with her dad's illness and recent re-hospitalization down in California. She is a strong lady to stay emotionally in the upright position as the ride remains a rocky one. Mike's attitude through all of his struggles with his heart has been inspiring to say the least. They are both phenomenal family and combined with my mom's brave face that she has worn since the beginning of her battle, I am surrounded with people who make it easy for me to deal with a multitude of life issues all at once. The final (and most significant part of the equation) is my wife, Jenny. She is my rock. I am positive that I would not be able to get through this life-altering time without her. Her support is instrumental and I am as grateful as a man can be for it. I love you doll.

Thank you is not enough to express the gratitude I have for all of my mom's and Mike's extended families who have, through their love, kindness, generosity, and prayers, have shown me a silver lining in what often seems a very dark cloud.

Pat

Fill 'er up

2006-07-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

Mom had a blood transfusion (2 units) this past Thursday. Friday she found out from her dr. office that all of her numbers - blood cell counts, platelets, etc...- are all lower than a healthy person's, but above the threshold where they become a problem. Example: her platelet count is at 19; it was 190 a couple months ago. 10-12 is where the doctors talk about platelet transfusion. This is something I am familiar with as my dad had several of these in 1993 as he battled, and eventually succumbed to, leukemia.

It is good to see mom with some energy again. She was pretty exhausted from the chemo wiping out her blood cells. The red carry oxygen to the various parts of the body, the white fight off infection. Both were lowered by the chemo treatment and had their effects on her. She was considerably weaker and more tired post-chemo and wears a surgical mask when she is out and about to prevent any infection from penetrating her weakened immune system. Dr. Smith's PA that we saw this past Wednesday ordered Cipro (which you may remember as a vaccine for Anthrax when that whole brouhaha was going on a few years back). Cipro's main function is that of an antibiotic and will further assist my mom from getting any illnesses.

Her spirits are still good, she has a bit more color and a little more spring in her step since the transfusion. More will be revealed next Wednesday when we meet with Dr. Smith.

Have a great weekend everyone,

Pat

Happy Fourth of July...

2006-07-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

to all of you. Thank you for your concern in my mom's health. She said she feels like she is getting progressively stronger over the course of the last few days. That is good news. Unfortunately, she said this in a whisper as her voice has temporarily (I am hoping that is the case) left her.

Today we both went on a scavenger hunt for all of the documents that DSHS says are necessary for her to file for long-term Medicaid. She needs this to leave her skilled nursing facility (Ft. Vancouver Convalescent Center) and transition into an Adult Foster Home. An AFH is a house that has six or fewer patients in it and 24 hour nurse presence to dispense medications and take care of any needs the residents may have. It is a better fit for my mom at this point. At least according to Ft. Vancouver CC who have basically said that she is too mobile and essentially too healthy to stay there. I guess that is a good thing, but it means more shuffling around for her.

This is our next step - find a stable place for her to fight her cancer at. We are getting closer, but are a couple weeks away. I will keep everyone posted as this phase continues. She has a Dr. appt on Wednesday. Hopefully we will find out if the chemo is doing it's job. I know my mom would want to wish everyone a happy Fourth of July as do Jenny and I. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Happy Birthday America.

Round 1 is over

2006-06-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

...and mom is still in the ring so to speak. She has taken a few blows, but isn't really fazed. She will be going back to the gym and training for round two which should be coming in approximately 3 weeks.

The three treatments of chemo (Sat, Sun, and Mon) definitely sapped a lot of her energy, but not her will to fight. She has experienced some vomiting and nausea, both of which have been counteracted by various IV-delivered meds. Overall, Dr. Smith has said that things are "going as he wants them to." That is good news. We won't know what kind of progess is being made in terms of killing the cancer cells until blood work and a CT is performed. That could happen within the next couple weeks.

She is supposed to be leaving the hospital tomorrow. Leaving the comforts of around-the-clock care and the fantastic nursing staff of 3 North at SWMC. They have been truly exceptional in their care of mom. The notion of having to exist outside the confines of the hospital is truly frightening to her right now, and rightfully so. Tomorrow (Wed.) I will begin my battle with the state of WA in trying to get them to approve my mom for medicaid so that she can stay in a skilled nursing facility for longer than just three weeks (it's my understanding that is as long as Medicare covers it.) Should be interesting to say the least. If anyone has insight about the process, I am more than open to advice and the sharing of knowledge.

I would like to give thanks to those who have seen or talked to my mom or talked to me and passed along their well wishes. You know who you are and what kind of impact it has on our situation. It is through the support and strength of others that she finds her strength to stay in the ring and take the blows, but coming back for more.

On a personal note, I apologize for resorting to sports analogies. It's been a long day...

Pat

Decisions decisions

2006-06-23T23:43:00.000-07:00

Well, not really too much of a decision.

My mom, Jen, and I all met with Dr.Smith, her oncologist today. He was to the point and made no bones about laying out our options, or lack thereof. My mom has lung cancer that has metastasized to the liver and the adrenal glands. It is also in lymph nodes. It has made its rounds in the body and set up shop in some vital areas. Dr. Smith said that it is small-cell cancer, which means it is more apt to travel around the body via the bloodstream, but also responds better to chemotherapy than non-small cell cancer. So if that can be considered good news, I guess we'll take it.

We were told that without chemotherapy, mom has about 3 months as the cancer is more advanced than we initially thought. With chemotherapy, and there is no guarantee that it will work, she was told 9-12 months, maybe longer. Dr. Smith assured her that 2 years would be the max. My mind is focusing on tomorrow. That is when mom starts chemo. She was all set to face this without any kind of treatment having been told by another physician that her body wouldn't be able to handle it. Dr. Smith, in telling her that chemo was the only way to any kind of extended (meaning beyond 3 months) life expectancy, made her decision rather easy. The first round of chemo is the hardest on the body according to the Doc.

Jen and I stayed at the hospital until 11:00 tonight. My mom was full of life, full of smiles, and full of smarty-pants comments. In other words, she was herself. She was truly enjoying herself as much as one can in a hospital bed. We all had a nice visit and look forward to doing it again after this initial round of chemo.

So tomorrow morning (Saturday) we start a new chapter of life. One that will hopefully result in giving mom a longer life than she could have previously hoped for. Please pray if that is what you do. Send positive vibes among the cosmos if that is what you do. Whatever it is you do, please do it for Nora and her friends and family. She needs all the support and love you have to offer.

pat

What a difference a few days makes

2006-06-20T09:31:00.000-07:00

So much for my hopes of not posting depressing stuff.

Last Thursday (6-15) I visited my mom. I had intended on showing her our new apartment, but as she wasn't feeling so hot, so I opted to just hang out with her at her place. Lend support, a shoulder to cry on, whatever she needed. What she needed, after a few hours of chit chat, was to be taken to Urgency Care to rehydrate her. This was the second time in a week that she felt completely dehydrated and had to make this trip. After spending some quality time at UC, they said her sodium levels were critically low and she needed to be taken to Southwest Wash. Medical Center to raise them.

So the adventure continued and she was taken to the SWMC ER. She was admitted to the hospital after a while in the ER and stayed there until Monday afternoon. Dr. Cornelia Taylor, a straight-shooter who wasn't about to fill our heads with delusions of longevity, had another CT scan done and this time it showed that mom has masses in her left lung, liver, and adrenal glands. Dr. Taylor also told us that her cancer appears to be pretty advanced. This was devastating news obviously, but to my mom's credit, she accepted it with grace and an eagerness to fight to the end. "I am not just going to let this take me without a fight," she told me as she lay in her hospital bed.

Though my mom faces a shortened life, there is always room for the unexplainable miracle to make an appearance. One cannot bank on such an event, but my mom can definitely count on support. She has myself, Jenny, Jen's dad Mike and the love of his life Judy nearby ready to do whatever whenever for her. She also has an organization known as Friends of the Carpenter in her corner. They have been her angels these past few years. They have given her a place to live as well as many new friends, a restored faith in God, and all the love in their bottomless hearts. I have traditionally been the only one to take care of her as our family unit is rather finite. Having them in her life has been a blessing that Jen and I cannot express enough gratitude for. She also has a core of friends who are praying for her and willing to do whatever they can to facilitate her recovery, or at least a decent quality of life. Some I know, some I don't, but I thank them all from the bottom of my heart. They are a big part of her healing and a big part of her life.

We go for a biopsy of the liver tomorrow (6-21) and meet with an oncologist Friday. More concrete information should come to light then. Though it appears right now it won't be the kind we want to hear, it is what we need to hear. We are as ready for it as anyone can be. My mom has already proven her strength to me throughout my life. She has had ample opportunities to throw in the towel several times in her life, but she is a much stronger woman than that. Lung cancer, liver cancer, whatever she must confront, she intends to do so without chemotherapy or radiation. She is so frail, weighing only 115 pounds, that the treatments would most likely take her down before the cancer has a chance to. For her, it's about quality of life rather than longevity at this point. I know in my heart that she will display the courage and strength that has defined her character to the very end, whenever that may be. Let's all hope for later rather than sooner.

p

The monumental first post

2006-06-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

Monumental indeed. The last six months have seen Jen and I get married, Jen's dad make several trips to the hospital as he combats a heart functioning at a fraction of what it should, a work promotion for Jen, the accomplishment of my AA degree (finally) from Mt Hood CC and the start of my BA pursuit at PSU, and two days ago, my mother's diagnosis of cancer. Ok, time for a breath. Oh wait, I forgot something. My biological father who I have had little or no contact with in my life also has cancer. Not to bum my loyal readership of, ummm...if you're reading then count yourself among it, but I just had to get this out of my head and in a virtually tangible format. Now that I see it, I can't quite believe it myself. With that off my chest, let's get this party started. The purpose of this blog, something I should have started a long time ago, is to inform, share, entertain, vent and be generally bloggilicious. This will hopefully be the most serious post for a while. But hey, you gotta start somewhere.

p

Test

2006-04-05T18:17:00.000-07:00

Test test test. Blah blah blah