Goodbye Mom

Yesterday was a beautiful day. To everyone who attended either the graveside service, memorial, or both, my deepest gratitude is yours. I was profoundly moved by the sight of my closest friends and family's presence as well as those I didn't know who knew my mom and called her friend. It was an amazing day of celebration and joy. Yes it was bittersweet, but I was held up by so much love and faith that it was hard to cry through my smiles. Pastor Edsel White was everything I could have hoped for. Purple sash included. What a nice touch. I cannot thank him and the staff of First United Methodist Church enough. They were exemplary in their preparation and excecution of yesterday's service. Duane, thank you for your guitar, your voice, your organization and your friendship. You meant so much to my mom and you and Julie, Barb Williams, and the rest of Friends of the Carpenter mean the world to Jenny and I. Your strength and grace is something that I strive for in my daily life. Beautiful human beings doing beautiful work in the name of God. What more can I say, but thank you and I consider you part of the family. There will be more posts to follow. I have a lot to reflect on and look forward to. God bless you all for being a part of my mom's life and giving her the love she gave so effortlessly to everyone.

May your holidays be merry and your new year be prosperous. My love to you all.

Pat

The sky will be a bit brighter tonight

Mom's star will be joining the constellations this evening. She passed away this morning at 5:15 or so. She went peacefully and though a storm kept me from being by her side, I know she would not have wished for me to witness that. She no longer exists in the physical realm, but Nora Roberts, her unconditionally loving heart, her many quirks, and her wonderful personality will live on in the memories of her friends and family.

Who I am, how I live my life, how I treat others...it is all a product of a woman who stared her adversities down and sacrificed without hesitation to ensure that I had what I needed, what I wanted, but most importantly she loved me unconditionally and was an amazing friend in addition to being an angel of a mother.

Funeral details will be worked out in the next couple days and I will most definitely be posting in the near future.

If you are reading this, you are most likely wondering how I am. I am content in knowing that mom's suffering has ceased and that her anxiety, pain, and confusion have ended. I'd like to think that she is warm with the love of those she is joining in Heaven and all of the thoughts and love being sent to her by those she left behind far too soon on Earth. I feel an inexplicable loss in my life and the hole in my heart is too much to comprehend right now. Mom raised me with strength and grace and that is how I will attempt to deal with her loss. She wouldn't want it any other way.

I love you mom. I told you I would be fine and not to worry about me. I am not fine, but as days melt into weeks, weeks become years, I will get closer to fine. My life is lonelier without her in it, but I am surrounded with the love of my friends and family and I consider myself a very lucky man. Lucky for the last 35 years of receiving the strongest love and support that a mom could ever give to a child. Lucky for the next who knows how many years of life surrounded by the love and support that I feel this very minute from those who share my life with me.

To paraphrase a song I have been obsessively listening to the past month,
"Though you are gone, believe me, your memory will carry on."

pat

Pit stop

I am at home in between time at mom's adult care house. The hospice nurse on Monday said hours to days is what she has left and days is being generous. Jenny, her amazing aunt (my aunt too) Sharon and I stayed with mom last night. It was a sleepless night for the most part and mom spent a majority of it crying out in pain (so we thought). We would ask her if she hurt and she would calmly reply, "No". She is vocalizing her breathing and whatever internal events that are transpiring. She has long periods of nonsensical noise making, interrupted every so often with "daddy", "mom", and other interesting phrases such as "please" and "God help me". It is simultaneously heart-wrenching and fascinating to watch the dying process.

Landon...you are the man. Thank you for being your brilliant and inspiring self during this.

Sharon (both of you)...you are both like sisters to mom and without a doubt family to me. I love you both and am so very comforted to have you by my side throughout this.

My wife...my love...my everything. Jenny is my angel right now and I am the luckiest man on the planet to call her my better half. She truly is. I love you doll.

Mike and Judy...Family of mine, I love you so and will spend the rest of our shared time on this planet showing you how much your support means to me.

Tommy...my bruzn...I know you got my back and believe me, I will be calling on you soon.

Aunt Blanche and Grandma...you are both so far away, but always in my heart. I love you both and will be in touch soon.

Duane, Julie, Barb, Bill, and all of the people at Friends of the Carpenter...your support, love, and uplifting ways have made this painful journey a little more bearable. Thank you for making both my life now and mom's life these past few years so much better by being in it.

Mom is in the home stretch now and I need to stop punching away at the keyboard and get myself back over there. She is surrounded by love and for the most part is laying in bed with the strongest sense of peacefulness I have ever seen her have. That alone comforts me more than anything.

Pat

4000 words

I can't really produce words that could do justice to the pain I feel inside sitting next to my mom as she lay dying. I can't begin to express how proud I am of her strength and courage she's displayed throughout her journey with cancer. These pictures speak volumes to her condition as she winds down her time in the physical world. Jenny and Mike were both there by her side (and mine) today as we spent the afternoon with her. I can't say how much their presence aids me in my own personal battle with witnessing mom disappear from my immediate life. My cousin Tommy (seen in the last picture above) showed up to spend some time with his aunt. He is more like a brother than a cousin and having him there today was a blessing.

Just like the past week, today mom teetered between this world and another one. At any given moment she is completely lucid and cracking a beautiful smile, other times she is completely out of it with eyes rolling around in her head talking almost gibberish (though I am sure it means something to her).

I have witnessed Maureen, her hospice nurse, comfort her and tell her that she is going to be safe in the arms of her Lord. I have had the pleasure of seeing mom smile as big as she ever has. We have exchanged many "I love yous" and shared many hugs and kisses. It has been the hardest week of my life - I can't imagine how it feels for mom. Time is very limited and Jenmy and I will be back there tomorrow, spending what little time is left with a woman we both love very much.

Pat

13 years ago

I lost my father (on December 1st) to leukemia. It was during the week after that my dear friend, then and now, Chris Landon gave me a mixtape that had songs he felt embodied the mass of emotions that I was experiencing. For the purpose of my own catharsis, I am listing two of the songs and their lyrics here. These were the songs that helped me purge the emotions anchored in the core of my heart as my dad passed away and my mom clung to life what seems an eternity ago. These were the songs that helped me breathe when I felt as if my lungs had been drained. Thank you Chris. Of all the gifts you have given me, that single mixtape stands above them all. Sad to say that winter and change are both upon me again, but these songs will be close by.

Winter by Tori Amos

Snow can wait
I forgot my mittens
Wipe my nose
Get my new boots on
I get a little warm in my heart
When I think of winter
I put my hand in my father's glove
I run off
Where the drifts get deeper
Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
I hear a voice
"Your must learn to stand up for yourself
Cause I can't always be around"
He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts
Flowers competing for the sun
Years go by and I'm here still waiting Withering where some snowman was
Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace
But I only can see the myself
Skating around the truth who I am
But I know dad the ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Hair is grey
And the fires are burning
So many dreams
On the shelf
You say I wanted you to be proud of me
I always wanted that myself

He says
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change
My dear


Change by Blind Melon

I don't feel the suns comin' out today
its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I don't
think I'll ever see the sun from here.

And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and say, and they'll say,
Hey look at him! I'll never live that way.
But that's okay
they're just afraid to change.

When you feel your life ain't worth living
you've got to stand up and
take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways will work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today.
and then they'll paint it

And oh as I fade away,
they'll all look at me and they'll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.

----------------------------

Mom is steadily deteriorating. Devastating to watch, even more painful to think about when I am not there. I pray for her peace for that is the best she could receive now.

Pat

A somber Thanksgiving is upon us

Mom is still going. I am going to stop short of saying strong, but she is still going. Hospice has been fantastic. It has been a continual process of updating mom's pain meds so that she is in as little pain as possible. There has been a noticeable increase in her pain the past couple of weeks and it feels overall like the cancer train is rolling down the tracks at a high speed. Everyday that we spend with her is a gift. We are trying to make some good memories with what time we have left.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is going to be the last one mom has. To see that, to type that...it is so surreal. But I know the reality and fully comprehend the weight of the words on the screen. It is happening as I think about it. Nothing can stop this merciless thing. A definite decline in Mom's overall state has been occurring for the last 5 days. She is increasingly lethargic, having more and more pain that is not being minimized by an increase in her pain meds, and she is generally not as coherent as she was even a week ago.

Jen and I had planned to take mom to Mike and Judy's (the in-laws/friends) for Thanksgiving dinner, but given Mom's current state, we just don't see it as an option like it was a week ago. She is incredibly weak, increasingly frail, and it would be far too taxing on what she does have left to take her out of her abode. So Thanksgiving will be spent partially with her, just spending time and hoping to see her smile and then Jen and I will embark to Mike and Judy's for a traditional dinner sans mom. This is the fist Thanksgiving that I will not have the actual dinner with her. It blows my mind. At least we will have part of Thanksgiving together. That is what truly matters.

Enough depressing ramblings. I wish everyone of you a wonderful holiday weekend. May you be with those you love and those who love you. I will be giving special thanks tomorrow for having the opportunity to spend one last Thanksgiving with mom.

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Landon: Thank you. You know what you are to me, what you have always been, and right now you are above and beyond what I could ever ask for in a friend. I wish you and your family a wonderful Turkey Day and please tell Jen to have the baby already.

Sharon: Wow. You are such an amazing friend to mom and myself. I love you and consider you family. Your dedication to this painful situation is inspiring. Thank you doesn't begin to express my gratitude. I hope you and Wally and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Again, all my gratitude.

Veronique and Phillipe: I can't even tell you how much I appreciate your continual posts. Meeting you both was a pleasure and I hope that we all reconnect in the near future. Your concern and kind words warm my heart and make me smile. You are beautiful people. PS to you both - Mike's computer is not working right now so if you don't see a blog for awhile don't panic. Not sure how long before it is up and running again. Happy Thanksgiving to you both.

I could go on and on talking about everyone that I know is reading this, but I just don't have the energy. You all mean so much to me. I wish I had the time to keep in better contact with everyone, but we all know that life tends to make that rather difficult at times.

The next few weeks are going to change my life in an immeasurable way. I certainly wish I had the ability to just close my eyes and let the days pass without being affected. That is wishful thinking. What is coming my way soon is nothing short of devastating and no matter how strong I think I can be, I know that I am going to be steamrolled by the inevitable. What will be instrumental in getting me through this imminent hell is knowing that I have the best friends a man could ask for.

Please continue to pray for mom(I am not the most religious person as those who know me can attest, but I do believe in the power and strength of spirituality), and keep her in your thoughts. Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Pat

A picture is worth...

you know the rest. I will type up an entry soon. This has been an emotional past week. Hearing her on the phone is very saddening. She is staring death in the face and it is taking its toll on her. Jenny, Mike, Judy and I went over this past Saturday to see mom and she had a great time. My aunt and cousin also were over for a bit. All the visiting wore mom out pretty quickly, but she was in good spirits. Even though she has significantly aged these past 6 months, she still has a sparkle in her eyes (when they are open...not here) and a great smile. I will talk to you again soon.

Pat