The sky will be a bit brighter tonight

Mom's star will be joining the constellations this evening. She passed away this morning at 5:15 or so. She went peacefully and though a storm kept me from being by her side, I know she would not have wished for me to witness that. She no longer exists in the physical realm, but Nora Roberts, her unconditionally loving heart, her many quirks, and her wonderful personality will live on in the memories of her friends and family.

Who I am, how I live my life, how I treat others...it is all a product of a woman who stared her adversities down and sacrificed without hesitation to ensure that I had what I needed, what I wanted, but most importantly she loved me unconditionally and was an amazing friend in addition to being an angel of a mother.

Funeral details will be worked out in the next couple days and I will most definitely be posting in the near future.

If you are reading this, you are most likely wondering how I am. I am content in knowing that mom's suffering has ceased and that her anxiety, pain, and confusion have ended. I'd like to think that she is warm with the love of those she is joining in Heaven and all of the thoughts and love being sent to her by those she left behind far too soon on Earth. I feel an inexplicable loss in my life and the hole in my heart is too much to comprehend right now. Mom raised me with strength and grace and that is how I will attempt to deal with her loss. She wouldn't want it any other way.

I love you mom. I told you I would be fine and not to worry about me. I am not fine, but as days melt into weeks, weeks become years, I will get closer to fine. My life is lonelier without her in it, but I am surrounded with the love of my friends and family and I consider myself a very lucky man. Lucky for the last 35 years of receiving the strongest love and support that a mom could ever give to a child. Lucky for the next who knows how many years of life surrounded by the love and support that I feel this very minute from those who share my life with me.

To paraphrase a song I have been obsessively listening to the past month,
"Though you are gone, believe me, your memory will carry on."

pat

Pit stop

I am at home in between time at mom's adult care house. The hospice nurse on Monday said hours to days is what she has left and days is being generous. Jenny, her amazing aunt (my aunt too) Sharon and I stayed with mom last night. It was a sleepless night for the most part and mom spent a majority of it crying out in pain (so we thought). We would ask her if she hurt and she would calmly reply, "No". She is vocalizing her breathing and whatever internal events that are transpiring. She has long periods of nonsensical noise making, interrupted every so often with "daddy", "mom", and other interesting phrases such as "please" and "God help me". It is simultaneously heart-wrenching and fascinating to watch the dying process.

Landon...you are the man. Thank you for being your brilliant and inspiring self during this.

Sharon (both of you)...you are both like sisters to mom and without a doubt family to me. I love you both and am so very comforted to have you by my side throughout this.

My wife...my love...my everything. Jenny is my angel right now and I am the luckiest man on the planet to call her my better half. She truly is. I love you doll.

Mike and Judy...Family of mine, I love you so and will spend the rest of our shared time on this planet showing you how much your support means to me.

Tommy...my bruzn...I know you got my back and believe me, I will be calling on you soon.

Aunt Blanche and Grandma...you are both so far away, but always in my heart. I love you both and will be in touch soon.

Duane, Julie, Barb, Bill, and all of the people at Friends of the Carpenter...your support, love, and uplifting ways have made this painful journey a little more bearable. Thank you for making both my life now and mom's life these past few years so much better by being in it.

Mom is in the home stretch now and I need to stop punching away at the keyboard and get myself back over there. She is surrounded by love and for the most part is laying in bed with the strongest sense of peacefulness I have ever seen her have. That alone comforts me more than anything.

Pat

4000 words

I can't really produce words that could do justice to the pain I feel inside sitting next to my mom as she lay dying. I can't begin to express how proud I am of her strength and courage she's displayed throughout her journey with cancer. These pictures speak volumes to her condition as she winds down her time in the physical world. Jenny and Mike were both there by her side (and mine) today as we spent the afternoon with her. I can't say how much their presence aids me in my own personal battle with witnessing mom disappear from my immediate life. My cousin Tommy (seen in the last picture above) showed up to spend some time with his aunt. He is more like a brother than a cousin and having him there today was a blessing.

Just like the past week, today mom teetered between this world and another one. At any given moment she is completely lucid and cracking a beautiful smile, other times she is completely out of it with eyes rolling around in her head talking almost gibberish (though I am sure it means something to her).

I have witnessed Maureen, her hospice nurse, comfort her and tell her that she is going to be safe in the arms of her Lord. I have had the pleasure of seeing mom smile as big as she ever has. We have exchanged many "I love yous" and shared many hugs and kisses. It has been the hardest week of my life - I can't imagine how it feels for mom. Time is very limited and Jenmy and I will be back there tomorrow, spending what little time is left with a woman we both love very much.

Pat